2020: Living in a fairytale amidst the nightmare

January 2, 2021

The year 2020 felt like living in a dream, and even though we are already in Day 2 of 2021, I don’t think I’m waking up anytime soon.  In a short 12-month cycle, I experienced the worst periods of my life.  All of which still seem surreal, like one of many movies and storylines I had seen and read.  But if I were to be fair, it was not all bad, and I can almost see the silver lining.

2020 started with the lowest point of my marriage, and being very pregnant to boot did not help.  I spent the year struggling to find a level footing, but I think I may be at an even lower point now than I began.  At the very least, I had my mother who was my strongest ally, and I think our friendship was at its very brightest.

My mother passed away very unexpectedly in April.  I spent the ensuing weeks, months, hating myself for not being there in time… for being so focused on myself and my new baby that I overlooked how badly she was the last time she visited.  Even now, I wished I had made different choices in seemingly trivial matters, as if that would have made the difference.  But I know she is now rejuvenated in heaven, and that someday we will meet again.  Until then, she has become the gold standard by which I measure motherhood.

As I said earlier, 2020 was not all bad.  Baby Leyton arrived a whole month earlier than we expected.  It was a humbling lesson on God’s divine timing, because amongst other things, it allowed Leyton to have met and be carried by his grandmother before she departed.  Despite all my fears of the potential complications of a premature delivery, as you can all see, baby Leyton grew from a puny 2.4kg chicken to a strapping baby boy with the juiciest thighs imaginable.

Living amidst the pandemic had its silver linings.  I spent almost every hour of every day watching my 2 boys grow, and the natural bond they have for each other brings me unspeakable joy.  Already I can see how their personalities differ, and yet Leyton squeals every time he sees his big korkor Ezra, and Ezra likewise loves carrying and cuddling Leyton.  So even though I wished God had answered my prayers for a girl, I am beginning to see why He decided I needed another boy in my life.  Perhaps these boys are meant to be my protectors, the way their father isn’t.  Whatever it may be, I pray every day that they will always have each other to depend on, to be each other’s Best Friend and ally in life.

It does not seem like the pandemic will be over anytime soon, and we are definitely living in a new norm.  People are wishing for things like the ability to travel again, and to have big gatherings with loved ones.  I’m not sure what to wish for yet, just for a bit more time to enjoy my boys, and for all of us to stay safe & healthy.  One thing 2020 had taught me, is that joy is there for the taking, I just have to take life in my own hands rather than wait for it to happen.

One response to “2020: Living in a fairytale amidst the nightmare”

  1. Christina says:

    I’m a little late in reading this post, but Happy New Year! Hopefully, this year will be a little easier for you and your family. Your little boy is such a chub chub! Adorable!

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